This is another discussion that I hold with people regularly. There are times when you need to let go of expectations. Particularly when those expectations are self-imposed, come laden with a lot of “I should…”, and are a by-product of your internal perfectionist. My own way of coming to this “epiphany” (although that’s a bit of a strong word) and communicating this overall thought process is admittedly a little crass. But for me and the way my brain works, it’s effective. It comes down to two words… “Screw it.”
The First Experience with Letting Go
I remember it very clearly the first time I stumbled on this. I was walking down a hallway at work, performing some routine task. My body performed the same thing I had done hundreds of times before, but my brain was in a state of distress. I was beating myself up over nearly every aspect of my life. I wasn’t living up to expectations. And then I stopped dead in my tracks. I started to question who created these expectations and why they mattered. And I came to the stark realization that twenty years in the future from that date, few would remember, and absolutely no one would care whether I had met some specific mark that I had put on a timeline of my life. And I realized that I needed to let go. Or in my twenty-something brain: “Screw it.” The timeline, the invisible goalposts, the expectations, and all the associated fears and worries were internal to me. In twenty or forty years, the only person who actually had to live with the outcome of it all was me.
Please don’t take this to mean that I suddenly quit my job, left my life, and became a recluse on a deserted island. Nor did I suddenly stop caring about the people in my life and do what was only good for me. But I realized that making yourself miserable because you feel you must make someone else happy at your own expense is a ridiculous way to experience life. And the instant this thought flowed through my mind, I immediately felt my whole body relax. It was feeling a veritable weight come off my shoulders. My muscles relaxed, my step became lighter, and people commented that I suddenly looked happier than I had just hours before.
Subsequent Discussions on Expectations
I have come to this same “epiphany” several times. The frequency depends on how much I learned from the last time. I would like to say that it happens less often as I get older. It is a bit less frequent. However, it’s really a matter of how unhappy I allow myself to become over a set of (generally very high) expectations before I take that breath and say to myself “screw it.”
Sharing this with others has happened in different scenarios.
- I’ve had this discussion with my younger mentees when they spend time being harsh with themselves over “should.”
- I had someone talk to me about never being satisfied… with anything! And after going through this particular “letting go” discussion, he realized his dissatisfaction came from baseless comparisons.
- Talking with teams or people and relaying stories of my career path. Not everyone’s path is a straight line. But some people take it very hard when they deviate from their original plans.
- Or even joking with friends about falling into a discussion with rather direct terms in a workplace environment! Sometimes relaying an antidote still turns into a mentoring discussion with me.
A friend of mine commented that he agrees with aspects of my philosophy, but he has chosen things that made him unhappy for the sake of his family. I would argue that this still falls within guidelines. When he later looks back on this time, he can feel pride and happiness in doing what he felt was right (overall happiness over momentary). Would he be any happier if making the other decision led to significant issues for his family? Would his happiness in the moment outweigh his regret later in life if his relationships took serious downward turns that never recovered?
As a Leader – Confirming (or Contradicting) Expectations
I have primarily drafted this article from a more personal aspect. However, this is something that you should embrace as a leader as well. As I noted during the article on perfectionism, as a leader you should be aware of when people on your teams can fall into these same traps. Watch for the people, particularly your high performers, who are succumbing to stress from their own lofty aspirations. While you should by no means stifle ambition, there is a balance to maintain. You also don’t want your team members to spiral into depression because they feel like they are failing to meet some imaginary expectation.
When you see someone falling into this, you could certainly refer them to this article! Or sometimes all it takes is asking questions to clarify the thought process. For example, one time I was drowning in my own to-do list and stressing over “failing to meet expectations” at a job. So, my boss sat me down and asked me to walk him through it.
- What expectations did I feel I was missing? Who actually set those expectations?
- What deadlines did I have, and who set them? Were they internal or external?
And, not really surprising anyone, my answers indicated that more than 80% of my stress was coming from myself. My boss sat me down to outline where his expectations were and how he thought I was doing. And then he reminded me to just let those other expectations go.
For Clarity… Be Realistic
I do not intend that you interpret my philosophy as a blank check to practice hedonism and self-indulgence. We all must do things that we do not enjoy or that make us unhappy in a short term. We all have other people in our lives that we want to please, or that we need to keep happy to maintain something. Be that a job, a living situation, a relationship. But keeping ourselves miserable in perpetuity, particularly when that miserableness is self-driven by your own internal expectations, in the end is no more beneficial to you than repeatedly poking yourself in the eye because someone told you they thought it would be interesting.
My best friend said to me once: “You deserve bliss, not lukewarm semi-contentment.” While she was applying this to a personal relationship, it’s a quote I still think back on for life in general. You deserve bliss in life – but only you can define what that bliss means.
