Today’s topic is something that occurs in both business and in our personal lives. We’re going to talk about internal dissonance. That conflict that happens inside your mind. There are different forms it takes, and today we’re going to cover a couple of common variations. We’ll also discuss what you can do to help address this within yourself or your team.
Head / Heart (or Logic / Emotion) Dissonance
This is one of the more common internal conflicts that arises. This is where your head (logic) tells you one thing, but your heart (emotions) says something different. There have been many, many instances where I walked into my boss’s office and said: “Boss, I’m having a head/heart argument.” This was usually met with a “Let’s go get a donut and talk.” And we would sit down to talk about what was causing the disparity between what I knew and what I was feeling. For me personally, these conflicts usually boiled down to two problems: my personal standards & expectations, and perception.
As the person on the outside, particularly as a leader, there are going to be times when you are going to have to help someone realize they are suffering from this internal conflict. When stress is high, it becomes easy for the heart to shout louder than the head. Within my teams, I have tended to see this among the high achievers who feel like things are failing or going to fail, and allowing the stress to build up. Or maybe I just recognize in others what I tend to deal with myself!
Business / Personal Dissonance
Another area that causes discomfort is when your professional actions run contrary to your personal beliefs. Now obviously, if something is asking you to break your ethics and morals, that is not a healthy environment for you to be in. But dissonance can be more subtle. There may be things that you personally enjoy or want to have as benefits for others, but they are more challenging in a business environment. A rather extreme (and unlikely) scenario would be 9 months of paid leave for every employee every year at full salary. I think we’d all like to be able to work only 3 months out of a year for a full year’s wage! In this extreme example, I may experience a dissonance if I personally believe in a 9-month yearly sabbatical, but I hate the process because it makes it difficult for me to run my business.
This isn’t to say that the disconnect is bad. Having the ability to appreciate both sides allows you to more fully evaluate where the appropriate middle ground lays. I appreciate the desire for lengthy time off, but I also understand the difficulty it causes for the business. Perhaps I find something more palatable to both… like a 4-month time off plan. And if you find one of those, let me know!
Understand that experiencing dissonance is not bad – either in the business / personal space or in the head / heart space. We simply need to be mindful that this causes discomfort, and if that discomfort grows too large (usually under times of stress), we need to find ways to help reconcile the two sides.
Dealing with Dissonance
For a lot of people, the simple act of talking about the issue can be sufficient to balance out the points of view. Having the ability to articulate both sides of an internal conflict can help to settle the points of view towards the middle ground. As we talk out loud, we force the thoughts to go slower, and you hear yourself speaking. This gives the brain a little extra time to think on what you’re saying. When the voice is just internal, thoughts tend to go faster and sometimes around in a circle.
So when I recognize that someone is dealing with high stress and struggling with dissonance – even myself – I ask them to start breaking down the problems. It’s kind of like doing the Point in Time Review. Only it is much more immediate… I don’t actually plan to go back and review later. This exercise is to force perspective in the moment.
- What is bothering the person the most right now?
- And then we start digging into the “why” – why is this causing strife?
- If someone is struggling to reconcile their personal point of view with a corporate policy, we may talk through the “whys” and evaluate how, or if, we can address them.
- If they are having issues with the head/heart, we may discuss what the logic states vs. what they feel. Is there a perception issue? Or is the gut right, and logic has the facts wrong?
An Example
A manager is visibly stressed out and seems to be on the verge of breaking. So, I ask him to talk to me about what is causing his strain. He tells me that everything is on fire and a major project is failing.
Of course, “everything is on fire” is a pretty broad statement! While there is certainly a lot of work to do, and a few areas that require a bit more focus, I don’t see any indication of failure. My first action is to reassure the manager that I don’t believe he is failing, so I want to hear about why he is feeling that way.
As the manager begins to list out the individual “whys” behind his stress, we address each in turn. Some items are founded, and we talk through how we can correct the problem or set up contingency plans. Some are purely perception, and we discuss alternative perspectives.
A More Personal Example
I was getting stressed as I was struggling to get through a task. I didn’t feel that I was moving fast enough and that the quality was suffering. Everyone was going to be disappointed!! That was the heart talking. My head meanwhile was saying that things were fine, I shouldn’t be worried, and people were grateful just that I was taking care of the task. So how did I reconcile this? The same way I approached my manager above. List out the whys and address each in turn.
- I’m not moving fast enough. Who had set the deadline? (I did.) Is anyone else expecting it at a set time? (Well… no.) So then why is there pressure to move faster?
- Quality is suffering. Who says? (Me.) Ok, is the quality actually poor, or is it perfectionism? (A bit of both.) So fix it to “good enough” and don’t worry about perfect!
- Everyone will be disappointed! … You know, logic already won this argument. Once I got the heart to discuss rationally rather than shouting at me, logic won the final argument.
Dissonance is natural, and it has its uses. The key is to be aware and mindful of when it starts to cause undue stress in order to take appropriate action. Use dissonance to help you identify that happy middle ground.
